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Gotta grid because i don’t wanna forget that life was like this, hitting the last couple minutes of the show at 1am on top of a mountain, lightning crashing over our heads, raindrops turning the laser field into a tweaker milky way, audience staying in it with us somehow, camera team so in it they’re basically performers, jack smashing the edit, lenses wet, edges dissolving, all of us one organism soaked to the bone, christ, don’t let me forget it was like this

Last night felt crazy, very out of body, doubting myself a bit, period due, dizzy in the heat. I am brutally hard on myself sometimes and almost never feel like I did good enough. I remember crying when we handed in melodrama because it was the best i could do and i didn’t think it was good enough! I’ve been reflecting a lot on this mechanism recently, and on how much i’ve given to my work in my life in order to feel my worth, feel seen and loved and like part of the human race. I have to remind myself almost every week at the moment that my worth isn’t dictated by one performance or one album or one song but by the whole tapestry that is my life, who i am in private, in nature, with family, in my practice, to my ancestors, to animals, all of it. I felt the crowd last night as a heaving organism of connection and love. I felt for the millionth time in my life that my work has taken me to the right place and I’m right where I need to be, always growing and being taught. At midnight I went back onto the stage with jimmy, just stood there for a while and watched tomorrow’s crew ripping off our spikes and the pit crew cleaning up bottles and felt nature at work, nothing ever the one thing, all part of the constellation, felt everything that holds me as i do this work, the many many people who help me get it done, you, the land we perform on, the language and the music that have moved through me since i was a child. The moon was full. I love you very much